Sunday, January 1, 2012

Adventure 23 - Good Riddance

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

I don't know about you, but 2011 sucked. It's not any surprise why. Everyone's convinced the world will end in December 2012, but I think it ended in July, and this is secretly some post-apocalyptic fuck-up that someone passes off as reality. I mean, think about it. In what reality is it ok, let alone normal, for your boyfriend of about 27.5 months to tell you, "Oh, by the way, I want to date our mutual friend but I hope it's ok with you"? In what reality is it ok for that friend to intentionally disregard every condition the polyamory bullshit (as I affectionately call it) was established under and have the audacity to bitch when she can't see him for one weekend when I haven't seen him in two goddamn months? And in what reality is it ok for me to have to live with everyone hating my boyfriend and calling me insane for staying with him?

I can't say 2011 has been all bad. I was finally able to use my stats monkey skills for something useful (i.e. earning my worth on the softball team and my letter), I graduated from high school (not like there was any doubt but hey, it's important), and I survived my first semester of college with a 3.93 GPA while working an average of 10 hours a week. I've made some pretty awesome friends, one of whom things have... well, you already know.

But seriously, in what universe is it ok for me to not only find acceptable but actually want and seek this sort of affection from a friend who is just that and (unfortunately) nothing else? It's horrible that I'm disappointed that I'll never get anywhere with this friend when I have someone that, despite the distance and the shit he's put me through, I still love. It's horrible that I'm looking for baserunning from a friend when I barely allowed it with my boyfriend this time last year. And it's horrible that I even have to have this conversation with anyone.

Looking forward to 2012, I know what I want. I think it's pretty obvious what I want. But it's not something that I can ask for because this is beyond idealistic repair. What I can do is take a step back and take an objective look at everything to figure out what I need to do. I don't know what that is yet, but I have a year to figure it out.

Bring it, 2012.